♥♥ Dazzle me...

♥Tuesday, December 13, 2005♥

When they say...
"You can do a million good things and it takes only just one bad mistake,to make you a bad person."

I finally understood what it meant.

The friends that i used to have,turned their backs on me,when I told a lie about my past.
The lie was made many many years ago...I was young and naive then.
All i ever thought of ...wasn't my family...but my friends.
My friends were my god.
I wanted to be accepted then.
I made a lie,to make myself felt like one of them.
As time goes by,
I realised that the lie was meaningless ,needless to say...
making a lie just to feel "in" the group,was indeed lame.
Friends should had loved me for who I am,and for what I am not.

Call me a coward,
I didn't had the guts to tell them the truth.
I didn't know where to start.
And for covering the lie,many more lies followed .

Then one day,the truth was told.
By the guy whom I once loved so much.

He wanted to prove to me,my friends weren't my everything.
I had left him alone ,ample times just to be with my friends.
He wanted to prove to me,he will only be the one, staying by my side.

And he succeded.In using my friends including Mark at that point of time.
He wanted me to feel how he felt ,the anger and the sadness,when I made the choice of leaving him.
He knew how much my friends meant to me,he wanted them to turn their backs on me.
And he hated Mark , as Mark had appeared in my life right after we broken up.
He wanted Mark to leave me for good.
And his plan was for me to hate Mark.

His plans failed when, I found a message in Mark's handphone which was sent by him.
I replied acting on Mark's behalf.
Once he saw the message,he paniced!
Fearing that his plan would be double crossed.
He made a choice to call me,and admit that they were planning for a day,to do me harm.
He said it was Mark's ideal.
As a chinese verse...(Want to die, might as well die together.)

I confronted Mark.And he admitted.
But explained that although he had made the agreedment,
on second thoughts, he didn't bare to see me harmed.

I forgave him.
I didn't pend him a death sentence .In my mind I was thankful,not bearing any hatred.
I knew he did once did me good.

My friends , on the other hand, gave me a death sentence.
I hasn't had the chance to even explain or fight with my rights.
I only had to accept the facts that I did once made a lie.
And It made them, leaving me with doubts.
They were blinded from the truth.
I had no ways to fight, but to accept the sentence and accept all those untruth lies.

The lie I made,
wouldn't do any harm or to prove by speech,that I am someone else.
I did and showed,
Not just by talking.
When they got themselves into hot soup.
I was so willing to help.
What I did wasn't a lie.
It wasn't just words.
It was my actions.
Witnesses and those who ain't blind would admit that I was all out for friendship.

But things didn't work this way.They weren't thankful for what I did.
I couldn't blame them as I had once made the lie ,
And they didn't force me to help them.It was me who willingly to help.
As a friend ,without complains.

Things turned sour .
They forgotten what I once did.
All that they could remember of was the harmless lie.
Maybe they felt decieved.
For that, I am willing to say ...I am sorry.

They hated me now.Remembers me as Koji 'the girl who lied.'

I was rather upset back then.
There's no way I could had explained.I wasn't given a chance to.
All these had happened because I had loved the wrong man.
In the end,they made friends with him even after being used,and hated me right to the core.
How fair can it get?

He ,on the other hand,sent me letters asking for my return.
I thought I couldn't hate him.

An incident today,brought back my unhappiness,
I realised I started to hate.And I am learning fast.

No use trying to sacrifice for them ,who I once called my friends.
They became my foes.
I once told one of my close friends,If I did met them outside,and if they were in trouble again,
I told her I would still helped willingly.

"You think they will appreciate what you done for them?They wouldn't even be bothered.
If you meant something to them,they would had listened to your part of story,after all you were their friends,not him.They never took in consideration what you had done for them.
You just a laughing stock,making a fool out of yourself .They wouldn't have guilt or feel thankful for what you done."

Honestly ,I made better friends once I left them.
I had stopped my lie.I felt much relieved...
I didn't fear to tell them the truth,they wouldn't judge me,and loved me for who I really am.
I shouldn't had torture myself .Trying so hard to be accepted.

I am just Who I am...

ends at 11:47 PM

with love ♥