♥Thursday, August 04, 2005♥
Went a few clubs today...I need some things to let me relax.Went China black first...With Shi hua.Saw a few of my friends there.But China Blacks' crowd didn't really suits us,So we went to Madam wong!It has been so so long.I missed the place...Once I stepped in.Kiong was on my mind.We used to go there...almost everyday...together.The thought of ,how we managed to know each other.How I would actually ran away from him.Till how we became an item....And how we became with what we are...now.I stood rooted to the ground,imagine him...standing at the same position.Stand there looking at me,watching after me.I felt warmth.My group of girlfriends were there.Jo Jo...Jazz...and some of Kiong's friends!Kiong haven't come out yet.But coming out very very soon.Maybe this month?Madam wong didn't changed much.Except , the crowd...But the feeling the place gives me, didn't changed a single bit.It was just like the past.Only this time,Without Kiong...Went MoMo after that.MoMo was damn packed!Saw alot of my friends...as expected.But I saw Kiong's cousin...and his wife!They approached me.Asked me about Kiong's stuffs.*Fighting back my tears.*Or leng was there too...He came over to look for me.Just to make sure i won't like last time.Get myself into hot soup.*He didn't have faith in me...when I told him ,I had changed a new leaf.*My last time group of 'sisters' were there.We became like strangers after some misunderstandings.Some how ...I didn't seems to be bothered about them.Now in my life ...They aren't that important to me as before.I didn't careless.I didn't want to hate them.They did once after all,shown me whats laughter was...I was trying my best to enjoy myself.But the thoughts of Kiong...Kept coming back to me.The difference between the relationship I had with Kiong and Mark...Kiong was a boyfriend...I told him all about my tears and joys...What I loves and what I hates.What I did for the day...Always being there ...Giving a shoulder to lean on.Whenever I needed someone ,He would always be there for me.Without fails.Mark in the other hand,came into the picture right after Kiong.I made used of him...to forget about Kiong.And Stupidly I confessed to him.He didn't give up on me,stayed with me...waited for me to love him for who he is.In the end ,I did.But,Things turned sour.Mark and me...didn't held the same tears and joys.We seldom talked about each other lifes.Being together seems to be just for the sake of 'being together.'Whenever I needed a shoulder...It would either be his game or the reason of him,having to work the next day.And I just have to understand.But as times goes by...I am so sick of these.In his mind,I am always 'Koji the big bad girl',and nothing I do will make a difference.I didn't managed to hate him either.I own him too much.I had became what I finally am today.Part of it goes to him.All i ever asked for.Was a shoulder I could lean on .And a pair of hands who would just hugged on to me .Whisper into my ears...Telling me everything would be alright,And Everything would be so perfect.Who willing to be a part of me.I had too much "ugly" past.So much of my past haunts me.My younger brother started to pick up habits that I once had.Today,he talked to me about having a fight with one of his classmates.He was behaving ...My past.It's my fault isn't it?I tried talking to him,Telling him...it's wrong to lay hands on people.Hoping that he would never be like me."How i wished that I didn't put any tattoos...How i wished I had proceed with my studies...How I wished I never had let you seen the "ugly side "of me."*I was so closed to tears.*I didn't want anything bad to happen to him.The problems was all along in me.I didn't know how to express my feelings.I didn't want anyone to know my fears.I am so exhausted.
ends at 3:56 AM
with love ♥
Koji's blog
