♥Sunday, December 18, 2005♥
Intended to go to Mos.(Ministry Of Sound.)They opened On the 16th of dec.The queue was damn long.I thought I was luckly when I saw one of my girlfriends in the front of the queue.(I am thinking of cutting the queue la.I don't really 'go by the book' .)*Two horns coming out from my head*But My hopes were crashed when I saw the big fierce bouncher.He was standing just next to my girlfriend watching out for people who cut queue.I don't really liked the ideal of getting myself ,banned from the place even before I had entered the place.That girlfriend of mine ,had queued almost an hour.Looking at the queue.I wasn't willing to queue that long.So me and my girlfriends,went to MoMo instead.MoMo crowd did changed.But some of the old regulars were still there.Most of the guys there seems so young.(Standing next to them makes me feel so old.)Some of them did wanted to be friends.But I'm sorry to reject their young hearts.They were too young for me,and neither do I like to date a younger man.I am still a little old fashion ...A friend came to picked us up later the night.He didn't sent us home,not before he brought us to meet his friends...There were more then 30 cars."Rounding",they called it.With the cars almost moving together in a high speed.Finding other cars to speed with them.I had been many years, since I last went 'rounding' with friends.Once In a while, It's a nice feeling though.I had just reached home and decided to blog before I take my bath.Getting very sleepy...How I wished ,I can skip bathing...Signing off,Dirty,smelly me.
ends at 6:12 AM
with love ♥
♥Friday, December 16, 2005♥
Thanks god!Chelz found my handphone,which I thought I had lost in the cab.We shared a cab back after our shopping trip.She was about to leave the cab,but turn and looked , to see if she had misplaced any thing inside.Luckly she did that.Or else I would had to bid goodbye to my phone."Thanks alot Chelz..."Signing off,Blurr queen ,Koji kwek.
ends at 12:37 AMwith love ♥
♥Thursday, December 15, 2005♥
I am feeling so down.I needed to be alone,deep in thoughts as I walked aimlessly .I lost count of time,but I knew I walked a very very long distance.Both of my big toes, were swollen with blisters.Not two but 4 big ones!I nearly cried out ,while taking a bath.It's so painful.I was barely alife.Although I felt like crying,but no tears appears.The most painful part wasn't the blisters,but my heart.
ends at 5:16 AMwith love ♥
♥Tuesday, December 13, 2005♥
When they say..."You can do a million good things and it takes only just one bad mistake,to make you a bad person."I finally understood what it meant.The friends that i used to have,turned their backs on me,when I told a lie about my past.The lie was made many many years ago...I was young and naive then.All i ever thought of ...wasn't my family...but my friends.My friends were my god.I wanted to be accepted then.I made a lie,to make myself felt like one of them.As time goes by,I realised that the lie was meaningless ,needless to say...making a lie just to feel "in" the group,was indeed lame.Friends should had loved me for who I am,and for what I am not.Call me a coward,I didn't had the guts to tell them the truth.I didn't know where to start.And for covering the lie,many more lies followed .Then one day,the truth was told.By the guy whom I once loved so much.He wanted to prove to me,my friends weren't my everything.I had left him alone ,ample times just to be with my friends.He wanted to prove to me,he will only be the one, staying by my side.And he succeded.In using my friends including Mark at that point of time.He wanted me to feel how he felt ,the anger and the sadness,when I made the choice of leaving him.He knew how much my friends meant to me,he wanted them to turn their backs on me.And he hated Mark , as Mark had appeared in my life right after we broken up.He wanted Mark to leave me for good.And his plan was for me to hate Mark.His plans failed when, I found a message in Mark's handphone which was sent by him.I replied acting on Mark's behalf.Once he saw the message,he paniced!Fearing that his plan would be double crossed.He made a choice to call me,and admit that they were planning for a day,to do me harm.He said it was Mark's ideal.As a chinese verse...(Want to die, might as well die together.)I confronted Mark.And he admitted.But explained that although he had made the agreedment,on second thoughts, he didn't bare to see me harmed.I forgave him.I didn't pend him a death sentence .In my mind I was thankful,not bearing any hatred.I knew he did once did me good.My friends , on the other hand, gave me a death sentence.I hasn't had the chance to even explain or fight with my rights.I only had to accept the facts that I did once made a lie.And It made them, leaving me with doubts.They were blinded from the truth.I had no ways to fight, but to accept the sentence and accept all those untruth lies.The lie I made,wouldn't do any harm or to prove by speech,that I am someone else.I did and showed,Not just by talking.When they got themselves into hot soup.I was so willing to help.What I did wasn't a lie.It wasn't just words.It was my actions.Witnesses and those who ain't blind would admit that I was all out for friendship.But things didn't work this way.They weren't thankful for what I did.I couldn't blame them as I had once made the lie ,And they didn't force me to help them.It was me who willingly to help.As a friend ,without complains.Things turned sour .They forgotten what I once did.All that they could remember of was the harmless lie.Maybe they felt decieved.For that, I am willing to say ...I am sorry.They hated me now.Remembers me as Koji 'the girl who lied.'I was rather upset back then.There's no way I could had explained.I wasn't given a chance to.All these had happened because I had loved the wrong man.In the end,they made friends with him even after being used,and hated me right to the core.How fair can it get?He ,on the other hand,sent me letters asking for my return.I thought I couldn't hate him.An incident today,brought back my unhappiness,I realised I started to hate.And I am learning fast.No use trying to sacrifice for them ,who I once called my friends.They became my foes.I once told one of my close friends,If I did met them outside,and if they were in trouble again,I told her I would still helped willingly."You think they will appreciate what you done for them?They wouldn't even be bothered.If you meant something to them,they would had listened to your part of story,after all you were their friends,not him.They never took in consideration what you had done for them.You just a laughing stock,making a fool out of yourself .They wouldn't have guilt or feel thankful for what you done."Honestly ,I made better friends once I left them.I had stopped my lie.I felt much relieved...I didn't fear to tell them the truth,they wouldn't judge me,and loved me for who I really am.I shouldn't had torture myself .Trying so hard to be accepted.I am just Who I am...
ends at 11:47 PMwith love ♥
♥Friday, December 09, 2005♥
Felt like a Mountain tortoise,When Aaron and his friends,bought me to the newly re-opened Clarke Quay.Everything was nicely done up,so different from the past.I had never been there since It closes down ,to renovate the whole place.Many new clubs had opened ...And that's was my motive .*cheeky*I had heard so much about the clubs there,but didn't have the chance to be there.(Most of my old-clubbing-kakis are attached or married with children...)Leaving me, Single ...(aging soon)...What to do?Thanks god...Kind Aaron asked if I am willing to join them .To a club...'Attica.'Needless to say,I agreeded.Attica was packed with lots of Ang mo...Lots of working class ladies...A Totally different group when I step in there compared to the ones in MoMo.The music they played were different.Attica was playing house music...While MoMo most of the time would be playing R&B.People there ...clearly wants to enjoy themselves ,and just have a good time.I am too,enjoying myself.Blending into the crowd was easy.The crowd and the music get better as the time passes.I had a wonderful time there.I would be there again,but ...not till I try all the other clubs there.*Laughing*Greedy me...
ends at 5:16 AMwith love ♥
♥Thursday, December 08, 2005♥
Met up with friends at the 'Hongkong cafe' at the East coast road.For people who had never been there,I do recomand the Instant noddles ,The desserts and the french toast.Wendy's boyfriend and...Nicholas ...and his girlfriend came to join us later.Looking at his girlfriend,I can't help but to wonder ,and to agreed.She matches him much more then me.She was like 'the girl next door' . A girly girl...While I am directly the oppsite.Having me standing next to Nicholas,I took away his manly figures...I looked much more in control.Nicholas is more towards the boyish side.And It takes a 'man' to handle me.Back to the cafe,We stayed there till 5am ...as it was raining.Long tired day I had ,waiting for my rebonded hair to finally get done.(I spent the entire afternoon in a salon .)Then spent my entire night in the cafe.Waiting for the rain to stop.And thats how I used up my once in a week off day...On waiting...
ends at 6:13 AMwith love ♥
♥Sunday, December 04, 2005♥
Yes,Thursday had passed.My mind thinks clearer now.All falling in one piece.It wasn't a fairytale ending.The picture turned uglier.Outside me,was all full out with full force.Inside me,was hollow,empty and tired.It's as if I had taken 50 Alert pills,yet I am still feeling tired.But I couldn't sleep.Why?I wanna pour everything out.But I couldn't explain myself.I used to listen to soft music...To pour out my feelings,But, my background is playing R&B now.And I am still so full of feelings...Why?Didn't bother to change the music.I didn't mind anymore.It's calm and quiet inside me.Am I in control?I am deep in thoughts as the wind blew pass my face.I started asking questions,I shouldn't had.I thought I needed answers.I was wrong.What I needed wasn't answers...It was assurance.The answer was with me all along,I was unsure.I was blind.Another month had gone by...There's no time to stop.Tomorrow might really be 'The End.'Perhaps I am fearful.I wanna do everything I could.I even started planning my weeks.I want to be useful.I am hoping to prove and to make a change.As the picture grew clearer,part of my heart grew tired.Am i alright?I wasn't sure...
ends at 1:46 AMwith love ♥
♥Saturday, December 03, 2005♥
I cry but you couldn't feel my pain...
ends at 3:30 AMwith love ♥
♥Friday, December 02, 2005♥
I finally got my courage,As I gracefully,step on...I kept still...To my horror!*My mouth fell wide open*On my weightscale...I had put on a horrible 6 Kg!!!I was so busy getting my stuffs settled.I didn't control my diet.I had so...OVER ate.How I wish this is ever just a nightmare.
ends at 2:47 AMwith love ♥
Koji's blog
