♥Saturday, July 02, 2005♥
I was upset yet there's nothing i could do about it.Thought i wouldn't find the courage to,but i did...Buddy talked me out of it.Never had I take crying as my daily routine,but I did...Love = Tears?Is that the formula?My mom saw me when I got home yesterday,noticed something was amiss..."What happened to you?""You fought outside again huh?"'Crazy huh you?'"Then whats is wrong?anything happened?"I quickly closed the room door behind me.My tears was dashing out.I couldn't hold it any longer and i didn't want her to see me cry.Perhaps I had become a reservior...My heart was aching,and i don't meant that as just a pharse.I meant it!It was aching ,like a thousand needles poking through me.with blood flowing out from my shattered heart.I was so torn apart again.Yes...Back to square 1.To think of it,I should get quite used to it.Getting happy on monday,Sad on tuesday,Hoped on wednesday,Tears on thursday,Huggies on friday,Committing sucide on saturday,and I don't even know how many sundays i can lived with ,with lifestyles like this.Was it the time,to learn and finally face the truth that i was hoping to run away with?I would give everything just for him appearing ,holding on to me,telling me everything is gotten be alright.There i go again...Daydreaming.It is impossible.Knew it would never come true,yet still hoped.Stupid me.I slept only 2 hours ...I couldn't get myself to sleep.Feeling so depressed.I couldn't drag myself to work.Buddy offered to take me out for a movie and clubbing after that.But I felt so weak...I felt like keeping myself alone,yet i knew I would ended up getting more upset,thinking about it.Life's contridicting...There's no reverse gear.Both ways were not what i wanted and what I hoped for.It's either i accept him,or leave him for good.Yet I am counting so much for the good old days with him...*naive*I couldn't blame him,yet blame myself for what had happened.I couldn't bring myself to hate him.And he couldn't bring himself to love me.Devotion and committment,I craved.*Bare with me.**Stay with me.**Hope with me.*I wasn't prepared to hear him comparing me with his exs.For those were the exs that meant nothing to him.And I wasn't willing to be categorize under one of them.I wasn't prepared to be taken as a hooker.I wanted to be a girlfriend.Not a whore.Love was needed in what we call love making...Not just the simple come fuck me sex.I wasn't the type,neither will i settle for something not done out of love.For those who knew me,knew I am doted by many,and pampered by them.I may had gotten married ,if I wasn't the way I am.If only...But i did the hard way through and ended up with what I am today.I am a changed person.A girl,just wanting to love...counting on 'him' to be "the one".I ended up like what my buddy said.Shattered and carrying tons of broken promises along with me.I am so exhausted but,i didn't give up trying until yesterday.I really gave in my best shot.But it wasn't the "best shot" he was counting on.Leos usually like to be popular and win .
Yet carries his pride alongs with him...
"Love is just a game,Just like life.If u kept thinking like that,nothing gotten work out.Only getting broken hearted.
If u want something, then u have to play ur cards right.
good does not beget good...that is just a fairytale
u are an idealist,
u have a good heart,
some pple will need that good heart of urs,
but most pple dun need that."
This was told by someone who concerned.
In a way,sad to say...but he was right.
And thanks to him...he made me felt better.
Guess i just had to face it this time.
Time shall heals all pains.
To buddy:
Thanks buddy for staying by me.Or i may have been dead.
For everything you had done for me.
I love you...
(Thankfully you not guy...wait i fall in love with you.)
I won't give up just becos he gave up
I am giving up becos I dun see any point in holding on to it anymore...
Signing off,
fighting my fears,koji ...
ends at 12:11 PM
with love ♥
Koji's blog
