♥♥ Dazzle me...

♥Monday, May 30, 2005♥

I packed my stuff and i left...
I didn't cry...Thought i could get it over with.
He shouted vulgarities at me.

I checked his handphone sent messages,
He deleted everything...
(I mean what is there to hide?)
It's only on the days that he met me that he stored my handphone number as 'dear'.
Or else,it would just be a number with no name.
I actually saw in on the friday ,after the movie.
I didn't want to confront him.
As i am afraid we could ended up argueing.
I just kept numb.

Things were different ,he 'tune' more then me ,
I had to give in to him.I am too afraid to make him angry.
When he felt ill,i bought medicine for him,excuse him from being grumpy as he was sick.
I really gave my best to him.

It was when i checked his chat log that he deleted everything ,
Apparently when he knew I am coming over to his place.
and i wanted to know why.
I know he did bad mouthed me.
I didn't even mind!!!*Call me useless*
I was afraid he had other intentions.
I tried to act as though nothing happen.
All i cared for was for him to be with me.
But ...when he shouted at me,and vulgar words ,curse and swear at me.
I packed my stuffs.He did pulled me back once.But shouted at me again.
I demanded to leave.He opened the door,and I walked out...alone...
Yes...I left with my pride.

There were no tears till i read his blog.
All he did was mention about what he gave up and sacrifices for me.
I loved him.
I did everything willing for him.
I just want us to be happy.I didn't mention about the unhappy ...
For the past few days,i quarrelled with my mom because of him.
I didn't even tell him.
My bestfriend told me she despised me.
Told me i am fucking useless,letting down all womens' pride.
Told me I really letted her down.

I neglected Wendy when I should be clubbing with her at Phuture.
Felt so gulity when she told me she was all alone in Phuture as her friends went to Zouk.

Althought i don't really liked the ideal of him riding his bike.
But once,I saw the look on his face just staring at his bike after washing.
In my heart,I knew i would never make him, make another choice between me and his bike.
I love him,and all i wanted him to be is happy.
If he loves this toy of his,then i shall learn to love it too.
(I didn't tell him this.I just kept it to myself.)

There was this time,when I was about to buy a white helmet for him.It's what he always wanted.
Come to think of it...'Thanks Wendy for stopping me that day.'

I actually intended to open a shop at Jurong,Near his place.
So that i could have stayed with him.
Just to see him everyday.
*what am i thinking?*

Asking him to being me out was like a chore.
Always complaining he had no money.
But always was out with his friends.
*Fuck man...What am i to him?*

I am afraid he may see me until 'sian' as i often appeared without makeup infront of him.
I make sure i doll myself up to meet him ,even when i woke up,i quicky washed up,apply a little make up.When he brought me out,i wanted not to disgrace him.

He asked me why i dressed up 'so nice' on Friday,i didn't even dare to tell him.
I was scare he would say i don't trust him.
I kept poping diet pills was to make sure i am slim.
He did once complain when I putted on weight ,that I had a man's butt.
Everything i thought was him.
I was so into him...
I am too scare of this ...scare of that...
It had become tiring...
The last thing i need ,was for a man to shout vulgarities at me.

I cried when i read his blog ,because he made me felt like a fool.
He promoted himself.Saying his sacrifices showing the whole world he was he 'the one'.
He started with'Throwing my girlfriend out of the house.'
Ended with,'Thanks for your love.Goodbye.'

I was lying to myself all along.
Thought if i really didn't bothered, things will end up better.
but things will never go away until it's solved.
Running away ...I am a FUCKING COWARD.

Said in his blog that he would be happier without me.
I tagged in his blog.

Yes,Wendy...you were right.
It's time I let go.
I love him to much to make him unhappy...
And he loved himself too much to love me.
Most of the stuffs in my blog were about him.
I never want to talk about him again.
It's so over...

ends at 1:35 AM

with love ♥