♥♥ Dazzle me...

♥Tuesday, May 31, 2005♥

I gotten start work as the door host after i come back from Bangkok...

Watched a movie...
Stupid guy made himself and the girl miserable by running away from his true feelings for her.
Love her yet don't dare to accept her.
Miss her but don't dare to express.
Moreover ,he knew the girl loves him so much.
Just because of his manly pride.
He basicly chase her away.
The girl was so miserable...
Then when he finally regretted.It's too late.
The girl is marrying someone else.Someone who she don't love as much...
Then here come the 'Micheal learn to rock 'song...'25 mins too late'...

What the heck...
Don't hide your feelings .
Hated man with their stupid egos.
For those reading this...
Please...if you love someone.Show it.
Don't let the chance slip by you then take the rest of your life regretting.

'Should we stop looking for a great relationships and just settle for a fine one?'

Going to work...At night might be meeting my friends for coffee.
Had to go now.

Sign off:
Don't waste your time on regrets.Just love...
Love ya...

ends at 1:39 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

	Love-a-Lot Bear You love to take care of others and people love being around you because you make them feel appreciated. You are very sweet and soft-spoken. You are also a romantic and consider yourself an excellent matchmaker, so you tend to be a bit nosy. But everyone still considers you the sweetest person they know.
*Take the Which Care Bear Are You?* Quiz!**

ends at 12:27 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

I will not stop searching...

Even if it may ended up with another break up,

At least it started out as a date.

So...shall we?

Oops...before i forget.
Had to go on strict diets now...Reserve myself of the 'next one'.
Especially what i 'couldn't believe i ate just now!'
Damn sinful...

I did the last thing that I felt i had to do.
I tagged ,A big thank you to his blog.'Thanks for saving me...'
I didn't care what was his reply.I wasn't interested to know.
I only felt happy and lucky that i left him.
Thanking him for proving himself to be such a jerk.
For that,i swear i shall never see his blog ever again.Never...

I am free at last.

Love the feeling of getting the big baggage off me.
So afresh.
And I am me...And i don't have to be someone else.
I be...just me. :)

Sign off:
Andrea kwek aka Koji...(me)
Love ya...

ends at 4:22 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

Thanks for those sticking by me.

Chelz...Wendy...Shihua...

A big thank you.

Helping me out through this ...

It just wasn't worth it.Now that i can declare.
'It's the end.' No more... Cheers...

I am way pass that.
'He' ,i didn't even want to mention his name,was way too much a jerk for me bare.
He don't deserves me.

I am actually happy now that we broken up.
He saved me from my future.
(I can't imagine living old age with him.)
Thanks god!!!

Bye bye...Mr 'him'.

and welcome mr 'Hee...'

ends at 4:04 AM

with love ♥

♥Monday, May 30, 2005♥

Kept eating non-stop.

Ice-cream...Potato chips...Chocolate...
All junk food...
craving for them.

Going to watch my 'sex and the city'later.
So blog first.

Didn't meet up with Wendy today.
Just feel like being at home.
I'll be fine don't worry.
I'm too much of a coward to commit sucide.

Chatted with Jay...
"love is not finding someone perfect to love u e way u love em , its abt finding e ONE to love perfectly;
if u love a person , u wont complain abt e person not loving u e way u wan them too."

But...to me,it really takes two hand to clap.If one person is doing the giving and the other is just recieving.
It would just be too tiring to give more...

'I need a man who needs me.'

ends at 9:17 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

ends at 6:40 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Happiness is the best revenge!

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.
The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before.
Don't ever give up if you still want to try,
don't ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry.

Don't ever settle for an answer if you still want to know.

Don't ever say you don't love him if you can't let him go.

You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel?

I love you more than you deserve, why am I such a fool?

"You took my heart and lifted it high,Then you let it fell...hard.
And watched it broke into million pieces...For me to pick up and mend it.
But...
It can never be perfect again.Cos' there's a deep scar
Left by you."

ends at 5:48 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Couldn't sleep yesterday night.
Toss and turn...

Couldn't bring myself to work.
Guess i needed some adjustments.
Kept telling myself ,everything will be alright.
I will forget him as time goes by.
I WILL NOT go crawling back to him again.
WILL NOT!!!

Everything would be over.I just had to get use to life without him.
I am a grown girl.Better get hold of myself.
Thankfully,my Bangkok trip can let me relax...really needed that badly.

And Most likely i would be taking up the job as the door host.
Should be keeping myself busy.An extra income won't hurt.
Wish me luck...

ends at 2:13 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Coming soon!!!

The Good, Old Koji...

ends at 3:05 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

I packed my stuff and i left...
I didn't cry...Thought i could get it over with.
He shouted vulgarities at me.

I checked his handphone sent messages,
He deleted everything...
(I mean what is there to hide?)
It's only on the days that he met me that he stored my handphone number as 'dear'.
Or else,it would just be a number with no name.
I actually saw in on the friday ,after the movie.
I didn't want to confront him.
As i am afraid we could ended up argueing.
I just kept numb.

Things were different ,he 'tune' more then me ,
I had to give in to him.I am too afraid to make him angry.
When he felt ill,i bought medicine for him,excuse him from being grumpy as he was sick.
I really gave my best to him.

It was when i checked his chat log that he deleted everything ,
Apparently when he knew I am coming over to his place.
and i wanted to know why.
I know he did bad mouthed me.
I didn't even mind!!!*Call me useless*
I was afraid he had other intentions.
I tried to act as though nothing happen.
All i cared for was for him to be with me.
But ...when he shouted at me,and vulgar words ,curse and swear at me.
I packed my stuffs.He did pulled me back once.But shouted at me again.
I demanded to leave.He opened the door,and I walked out...alone...
Yes...I left with my pride.

There were no tears till i read his blog.
All he did was mention about what he gave up and sacrifices for me.
I loved him.
I did everything willing for him.
I just want us to be happy.I didn't mention about the unhappy ...
For the past few days,i quarrelled with my mom because of him.
I didn't even tell him.
My bestfriend told me she despised me.
Told me i am fucking useless,letting down all womens' pride.
Told me I really letted her down.

I neglected Wendy when I should be clubbing with her at Phuture.
Felt so gulity when she told me she was all alone in Phuture as her friends went to Zouk.

Althought i don't really liked the ideal of him riding his bike.
But once,I saw the look on his face just staring at his bike after washing.
In my heart,I knew i would never make him, make another choice between me and his bike.
I love him,and all i wanted him to be is happy.
If he loves this toy of his,then i shall learn to love it too.
(I didn't tell him this.I just kept it to myself.)

There was this time,when I was about to buy a white helmet for him.It's what he always wanted.
Come to think of it...'Thanks Wendy for stopping me that day.'

I actually intended to open a shop at Jurong,Near his place.
So that i could have stayed with him.
Just to see him everyday.
*what am i thinking?*

Asking him to being me out was like a chore.
Always complaining he had no money.
But always was out with his friends.
*Fuck man...What am i to him?*

I am afraid he may see me until 'sian' as i often appeared without makeup infront of him.
I make sure i doll myself up to meet him ,even when i woke up,i quicky washed up,apply a little make up.When he brought me out,i wanted not to disgrace him.

He asked me why i dressed up 'so nice' on Friday,i didn't even dare to tell him.
I was scare he would say i don't trust him.
I kept poping diet pills was to make sure i am slim.
He did once complain when I putted on weight ,that I had a man's butt.
Everything i thought was him.
I was so into him...
I am too scare of this ...scare of that...
It had become tiring...
The last thing i need ,was for a man to shout vulgarities at me.

I cried when i read his blog ,because he made me felt like a fool.
He promoted himself.Saying his sacrifices showing the whole world he was he 'the one'.
He started with'Throwing my girlfriend out of the house.'
Ended with,'Thanks for your love.Goodbye.'

I was lying to myself all along.
Thought if i really didn't bothered, things will end up better.
but things will never go away until it's solved.
Running away ...I am a FUCKING COWARD.

Said in his blog that he would be happier without me.
I tagged in his blog.

Yes,Wendy...you were right.
It's time I let go.
I love him to much to make him unhappy...
And he loved himself too much to love me.
Most of the stuffs in my blog were about him.
I never want to talk about him again.
It's so over...

ends at 1:35 AM

with love ♥

♥Sunday, May 29, 2005♥

Once i stepped Into the Library...
Yes, you didn't see wrongly...

L.I.B.R.A.R.Y

I'm looking for some design books.

As you know...Mr Mark lim,has lots of Tattoos...
And if you want to see the 'real' tattoo...'those with ah beng craved on it.'You found the right one!

He was wearing a short sleeves t-shirt.
Showing his arm's tattoos.

And why am i telling you these,
Is because,
When we were walking,he suddenly turn to me and said...

"Think people would be thinking ,that I came here looking for tattoo design book."With His innocent eyes...*I laughed*
'So true....So true...'

I didn't manage to find what I actually wanted though.
But we went home straight after that,as
Mark Is down with cold and flu...and i having a bad headache...
Think i see too much books...*fainting*

At his home.
His Mom asked me to help her type out some documents.
Man!!!
What did I do in my perious life?
Why I own so many people things ?
Hopelessly...with my headache...I typed...and typed...
Haiz...

ends at 12:20 AM

with love ♥

♥Saturday, May 28, 2005♥

Counting down to the days...

13
*
*
*
12
*
*
*
11
*
*
*
10
*
*
*
9
*
*
*
8
*
*
*
7
*
*
*
6
*
*
*
5
*
*
*
4
*
*
*
3
*
*
*
2
*
*
*
1
*
*
*
Finally...Bangkok....
Here I come!!!

ends at 12:40 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Went to watch the show,
The cartoon,'Madagascar'.
Quite funny i could say.
Except for the ending...
For those who just want to have a good laugh,
then you had to watch it!

Okie...
Curious about who I went with?
Mmm...

I am a useless bum.
yes...I am still with him...
Him as ' Mark.'

Chelz is condemning me.
Wendy was like...'Again?'
Haiz...
Guess i going bonkers.

Then watched the 'Monster in law' Dvd ,when I am at his place.
Jennifer Lopez...Damn...I LOVE HER.
Beautiful as ever.
I cried at the ending.
A movie not to be missed...

'Sorry',buddy that I didn't accompany you to Phuture.
Next week i promise to go with you okie?
Love ya...

ends at 4:20 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

It has been ,Mmm... *let me think*
5 years?since i took a bus.
I didn't even know that we had an 'LRT', only until quite recently...*Blurr until like that.*

Mark took me to sit a bus.
To Jurong point.

'Tian mi mi...
Ni siao de tian mi mi....'*laughing*

Any way...Sitting in the bus,really brought back memories of me, dueing secondary school .

I didn't even know how to use an e-link card!!!
Don't even know that the price of the bus fare rised.
*Please don't doubth me.I am a singaporean...*
Guess i didn't paid much attention to the other stuffs around me.

But it's nice once in a while to sit in the bus,just looking out of the windows...
And of course,with a 'loveable' guy beside me ,holding my hand...
Haiz...*I'm day dreaming again.*

ends at 4:05 AM

with love ♥

♥Friday, May 27, 2005♥

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see,the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen
all of the realness
And all the real people
are really not real at all
The more I learn
the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful,
and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free In our love
We are free in our love

ends at 6:11 AM

with love ♥

♥Thursday, May 26, 2005♥

It so painful...
Why must it be me.
Why must it be this way?

All I want to do,is to cry.
Just cry...

I hate myself for believing.

Hurt is all i felt.
Could he understand my pain?
Do he know what I am going through?

All i get was misery ,
hurting myself again and again.
I am the biggest fool.
I tried to make mircles ...
I thought of never ending...
I was dreaming.
And he pulled me back to reality.
I hate myself...
And I hate him.

ends at 10:25 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Okie...
*It's Mark time again.*

Yes...He message me again.
To prove his sincerity,
He made a vow to kneel down for 3 hours! In front of Me and My buddy.

To me,
Still the same old line.
'Say...Only,everyone also know how to say.Say no need money...'
We shall see.

ends at 1:38 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Changed my blog skin till 8 am in the morning!!!
Just had to finish it.

Just bought my bluetooth for my com.
Finally can transfer songs from my handphone.

Youri messge me telling me that Colin's wife had scolded him ,saying that I had been talking to Colin in the middle of the night.
(It was through Youri that I knew Colin.)
But the problem was...
I haven't been talking to him for so long!!!
Even if i did call him,it would always be about computers.
(He repair computers)
He was actually quite a nice guy.Very helpful.
But I had no Intention.
It's either Colin's wife misunderstood,
Or He had been using my name...
*Kana blacklisted for nothing...*

I will be drawing lot ,these few times.
Had to practise,needed improvement.
*Buck up!!!*

Wendy...
My buddy wrote a post in a blog delicated to me.
Quite touching in fact...
Time really passed.
6 years,It had been so long.
We fought ,We Share, We Laughed ...
Although at times,I felt so 'poor thing' being her friend.
Kana torture ...
But what to do,
I always tell her that 'Should be my pervious life owns her too much!'*Laughing*
"You know I love you One right?"*Wink*

Counting down the days,when i finally leave for Bangkok...
Faster...Faster...

ends at 8:12 AM

with love ♥

♥Wednesday, May 25, 2005♥

Wendy's com is kicking again!
Finally...
Left her place at 4 am,
I changed her blog skin.

She look rather blurr today.
Keep day dreaming...thinking ...thinking...

"Buddy,don't worry so much.
Just follow your heart.
I shall support you all the way.
Some things just can't be rush...
Just Let time tell."

Feeling a little lost today...Or do i feel lost every other day?
*Mmm...*

Mark did sent a message though ,Told me he wanted a patch up.
Told me ,he thought it over and he was sorry.

*Speachless*
I really don't know what he is thinking.
Hot and cold ,Hot and cold...
this is how i describe, how he treated me.

'Love ain't a game...and there ain't any player.'
I didn't want to think...
Very tired...

ends at 6:09 AM

with love ♥

♥Tuesday, May 24, 2005♥

'Someone who will love me for who i am,
and for who i am not...'

ends at 11:10 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

Just came back from Wendy's place.
Her com crashed again!!!
But this time worst.Can't even reformat.
Had to find out the reason for her tomorrow.

Tomorrow,i shall be back to work...(this time i meant it.)
Really had to buck up,had been lazy for the past few weeks.

I am now counting down the days ,that i can finally go Bangkok.
So excited.
It's about time,i go shopping.
I MISS SHOPPING!!!

Had to sleep early today...
Nites...

ends at 3:23 AM

with love ♥

♥Monday, May 23, 2005♥

This shall be the last photo of us ...being together.

ends at 6:13 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Recieve a msg in my handphone.
browse...

It was Mark...

Didn't expect him to message me as i told him yesterday,i wanted a break up.
If he had cared...
Why in the first place he acted that way?
Till now,he don't understand why I refuse to let him go.
He thinks i being unreasonable.

I mean ,how many girls out there will really let their boyfriends
go to a place where most likely he would come across naked girls?

I am not so generous.I am sorry.

What belongs to me...I never liked to share.

He really thought ,because i love him,and i would willing to accept everything.
Sorry...
He was wrong.

'I maybe love sick,but i ain't a love fool.'

I want to be in Love with the right guy that i know i can be loved.

I made it clear to him,that it was over.
No more 'shit' from him.
Just didn't understand why,he didn't treasure me.

But ,i do hope for him to find his happiness.
even if his happiness wasn't me.

ends at 4:45 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Finally able to transfer the photo from my digital cam.
Took 2 months ago ,
At china black...

Me...Oops...Carine ...and Wendy

Finally can see Carine...

Style?

Ah lian...Carine...Wendy...Me...

ends at 4:09 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Just came back from supper after clubbing at Phuture.

Today ain't my happy day.

Firstly,
When I told Mark that i decided to join the contest,(it's a designers' contest.)
He told me that i was just dreaming and beening unrealistic.
He kept saying about me failing,saying that i am childish to think this way.*Piss off*
What the Fuck...
I had never seen a boyfriend like him.
Every guy that i asked ,told me that no matter win or lose,
They will still support their girlfriend.
You never try you never know...
And yet this jerk...

But...again...i forgive him .
He got his friend to pick me up at my place,to fetch me to Phuture.
In the car,we were chitchatting when ,his friend mention that they would be going to ktv later ...
And it's those ktv with hostess!!!
I mean i don't have ill thoughts of those hostess,
but it's just that the ktv that they are going happen to be ,One of those 'most happening'
places.
And I knew the lady boss there.I knew what they were like.
Eventually,i disagreed for him to go.
We Argued.
and he hang up my call.
I kept calling ...
and he kept hanging up...

"I will never bring you out with my friend ever again."
"Tonight you go your own home sleep.I not meeting you."
These were the message he sent to me.

I get so piss off...
I mean ,is it wrong to stop her boyfriend to go to such places?
Was it wrong?

If he is nothing to me,i wouldn't had bothered.
But the facts that he meant alot to me.
I bothered...
And he blames me for not allowing him to go.
What the fuck...
He just wanted fucking 'face' ,'pride' in front of his friends...

It really spoil my clubbing mood.
I was so pissed.
It wasn't even my fault.
He can never furfill his promise of showing love,being the "old Mark".
To him,this relationship meant nothing any more.
He held on just for the sake of holding on.
What Nicholas said were true.

I wanted to cry.
Trying my best to fight back my tears.
I drank ...
It's too painful...

'If singlehood is happy ,then having someone by your side should only be happier.'

What for having another person, yet so miserable.

I decided.
I given up.
It's Over.This time i meant it .It's over!!!
I don't need a guy like him.
Yes,i do felt hurt.But i can't drag this on.
He wasn't the one i am looking for.
And he ain't gotten be the one.

Again...I deleted all his numbers...and everything that had to do with him.
This time round ,i had no regrets.Cause i knew i had loved him whole heartly and i tried my best.
It's him who don't treasure me this time round.
He took my love to his advantage.
Banned out from my life.
He is goodbye...

ends at 4:41 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

ends at 4:30 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

Guess who i saw at Zouk?

Eric...
Didn't thought i would see him there.
Still the same i guess,but he lost weight.
Look so different in specs...

And i saw ...
nother one of my exs...
Wei jie.
Once i saw him,The image of Kiong came back.
We broke up because i chose Kiong ...*sign*Long story...

Saw Darren,had been a while since i last saw him.We knew each other at 'Ta jie'.(a disco pub)

The pub had closed down for so many years already...*make me feel so old*

My friend ,Aaron was dancing when he shouted"Yo ah yo!!!..."*fainted*

I and Wendy quickly walk away acting as though we don't know him.*laughing*

Aaron asked if i am the sort of girls who grew fat , don't really take care of my appearances when i am in a relationship.

Sadly...I am.

I tends to put on weight,on the supper and snacks that i enjoy eating with my 'bf'.

Tends to put on less make up,didn't care much about my dressing and tends to have messy hair-dos .

He told me that it wasn't the right way.

Things should maintain as it is even if in a relationship.Or else ,i would so *Mmm...* when in love.Not a very nice sight.

'The way he phrase it,did made some sense ...'

So...I decided to go on strick diet from now onwards.

I need to get back ,'the slim me.'

Singapore is really small ,Carol told me over supper that she actually knew Who Mark was.

Told me that he was a flirt.(Not sure if he still is but he sure was!)

So tell me,how am i suppose to trust a Flirt going to ktv full of 'happening'girls?

And he had so many experience in One-night-stands.
***************************************************

Went to work alittle while today,
Naz ,my next door salesexecutive,told me that his pet Cat,
fell down from his room window!!!
11 floor!
The cat died...But he just left it's body on the ground!
Poor thing...*pitiful*

So for those who has a pet cat,please do not open the window ,unless you have window grills.
Please treasure their lifes as you treasure yours.
They deserve a chance to live too...

ends at 4:00 AM

with love ♥

♥Sunday, May 22, 2005♥

Me and my younger brother.

ends at 4:41 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Loves this pic...

Buddies...

With no regrets of an everlasting friendship...

ends at 3:38 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Me...Wendy...Sam...

Me and Sam...

What you looking at?
Why..Not happy huh?
Here la!!!

ends at 3:00 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Went Coffee session with Aaron,Wendy and Sam.
My younger brother did join us later.
We chatted about our younger days(make me feel so old...)
The ah lians and the ah bengs seasons...*laughing*

Then we went over to ktv.
To comfort ,Wendy's brother ex girlfriend.
Let me tell you the story...

They had been together for 4 years now.
The whole family like this girl and accepted her as part of their family.
Sadly,he found someone else,
Wanted a break up, yet do not have the courage to face the girl and the family.
He chose to run away.
But he got someone to pass the message to her,that he wanted a break up.
And from that day on,
He didn't go home...didn't even dare to pick up the calls.
The girl packed her stuffs from his home,tear up their photos they had.
Cried and eventually got sick.
Till now,neither did he call back nor appear.
Everyone in the family is blaming him for what he had done.
Blaming him for not coming out to face the truth...Blaming him for breaking her heart.
It's a shock to us ,as his brother has always been picture as the ideal boyfriend .
Never had we thought it would involve a third party.

Wendy is furious with her brother.
Ended up crying ...
I can totally understand how that girl had felt.
And i know even as an other sider,i would also blame Wendy's brother for being such an unfaithful jerk.

But...Let's put ourselves standing in another point of view.
If Wendy's brother had hold on to the relationship just for the sake of his family,
It would had been worst for the girl.
He himself had fear...
Thats why he chose to run away.He was too afraid of what his family might say,
too afraid of what that girl might had felt.
He was guilty yet ,
He didn't dare to face the truth.
He too is under certain kind of pressure.
If he no longer love the girl,holding on will only become a burden.
I am not saying that he wouldn't regret one day.
But...

'When a man wants to leave...no matter what,one of these days ,he will'

I don't agree that he should run away...cause the least ,He could do was to stay on and face this breakup.

But i do hope for Wendy to understand her brother's fears.

I am not taking sides...

But just wanted both sides to find a solution.

Lets hope the girl will get this over with time.

ends at 10:54 AM

with love ♥

♥Saturday, May 21, 2005♥

ends at 5:24 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

In the process of dying her hair ...Purple!!!

ends at 3:02 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Just came out from the shower,
Now still waiting for my hair to dry before i can finally go to sleep.

Had a very bad tummy ache .I can't even stand up straight!
Took 2 pain killers then hid myself under my blanket.*Pain...*
Lucky once i woke up, i felt much much better...

Later at night...
Went to Wendy's saloon to wait for her, to dye her hair,purple!!!
As i was hungry ,i walked over to Yongli's work place,
(He fly Hokkien mee.)
which was just a walking distance from the saloon.
Too late!
He was closed.But he was still there though.
Helping out the next stall (satay stall).
So i bought 20 sticks of satay and brought back to the saloon!!!

It was then Wen feng called .Asked if i wanted to join him in a ktv pub.
And i did,with Wendy of course.
First time went to ktv sang more songs then her*laughing*
It's also the first time she heard me sang.*shy*

Ate the WORST Prata in singapore!
*Horrible* *yucks*.
I would never go there to eat ever again!!!

Mean while,Jay called saying that he was downstairs my block.
Asked if i wanna meet up.
Too bad...We didn't.

Oops...forgotten to mention...
I maybe joining a contest.
'I will not disclose any details until i make my decision.'
Wish me luck*mucks*

ends at 6:37 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

I promised myself that no matter whats the outcome...
I shall never changed back.
I will continue to be what i am now.
I still want no stepping stones.
And i still just want 1...

ends at 6:12 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

Quite upset the whole day...

Sad + tummy ache = Misery

"Why do you want me to keep on giving you assurance all the time?"
Mark message me.

I tried explaining to him,but nothing seems to make him understand.
Or is it he simply don't want to?
In his mind,My past of how i hurted him had never left.
All i wanted was him to tell me that everything would be fine.
And he would love me like he used too.
I needed him to love me whole heartedly.Cause i want to love him whole heartedly too.
Why is it so difficult?
When he already proclaim his love for me?
I don't want to walk a day after a day.
I wanted forever...I just wanted it to last.

Thats all...Thats all...

He said all those stuffs to me that really hurts.
'I am happier without you.'
'With or without you is anything.'

When i asked him to sort things out on the phone,
he refused to talk.
'No point'
'Just forget it'

What am i suppose to do?
*
*
*
Nicholas called me .
Chatted ...
Told me ,that at first when he read my blog,
He was jealous of Mark.(To see me so devoted to him.)
When he carried on reading,
He laughed.

" Say a comment,but please don't be angry."

"You are so stupid.Do you really think that he will be back the same way you wanted him to be?It could never be the same again.Both of you had broken up once.Patching things up won't do you good.Even if you two are together.It won't last.Cause ,you are the one giving,and there are limits he would do for you already.
He laid his limits but you stupidly trying and trying giving the best that you could,
One of these days you would be so tired.
Then you would end up hurt again.
Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Love is simple...But it isn't easy".

We could fall in love easily with someone,or after a period of time.
But making the love last takes up alot of efforts and sacrifices.
It really takes two.

After the conversation with him...
I thought about it,
and i finally realise.
I went back to Mark was because i knew he loved me alot in the past.
And i felt safed ,putting all my love in a person who will love me back .
I am still afraid,and exhausted.
I wanted so much to be stable ,to love,and to be loved.
I really wanted to stay on just 1.
With no stepping stones.

Thats why i chose Mark.
But it's the 'old Mark ' .
The new Mark would never loved me as deep as before.
And it'd the 'Old Mark',That i am in love with and missed for.
I regretted greatly why didn't i treasure him at that point of time?
He left with so many heart felts...that things may not have a turning point.
And the Mark that i knew now,could never replace him anymore.
He's became a stranger to me.
The Mark that i knew had hoped for so long to see the changed me.

I am finally changed...but he was gone.

I can't settle for anyone or anything less, cause it's the 'old Mark'that i fell in love with.
He was the one who touched my heart.

I lost him,and he ain't coming back...

Missing him forever.

ends at 6:01 AM

with love ♥

♥Friday, May 20, 2005♥

More love...

ends at 2:12 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

You're always on my mind
All day just all the time
You're everything to me
Brightest star to let me see

You touch me in my dreams
We kiss in every scene
I pray to be with you through rain and shiny days

I'll love you Till I die
Deep as sea Wide as sky
The beauty of our love paints rainbows
Everywhere we go

Need you all my life
You're my hope
You're my pride
In your arms I find my heaven
In your eyes my sea and sky
May life be our love paradise

ends at 12:13 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

"Spechless..."
"Remember to protect yourself k..."
"Be happy..."
These were the message sent to me through Msn...
From Nicholas.*spechless*

*My tears came down.*
Why it ended up this way?
I didn't demand any more things from 'Mark'.
Neither me nor him called each other.

I can't find the courage to call.
I can't bare to listen to what he gotten say.
Every words came out from him hurts me deeply.
I didn't want to hear...and it's just too painful to see him.

When i finally not wanting to fool around and be down right serious.
I get myself into this type of shit.
All i asking for was a stable one.
I didn't want ,one after another ...
People came in and out of my life.
Some many faces ,so many heart felts.
I am exhausted...

ends at 11:29 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

Went out with Chelz today,
She needed some help on getting some more 'business like' clothings.
We were chitchatting ,
when the subject of Me and Mark came up.

She knew what i am like...
Knew each other from primary school till now.

She knew i made changes.
She knew i am devoted.

"I know how you felt for Mark...But do he feel the same for you?"

"I had never seen you like that before.You sure he is the one?"

Well...
Together with Mark,I kept reminding myself...
Cannot like this...cannot like that...
I am so afraid to do things that will provoke him .
Keep reminding myself ,
I love him and i must try...

But...
I wonder?
Is he the same old Mark that i knew that loved me so much.
That i missed?
That made me willing to forsake everything now just for him?

The truth...
''NO...He wasn't the same..."

He was no longer 'the Mark' that i Knew.
I had been trying to hard to be his ideal girlfriend that,
I even lied to myself ,accepting him the way he changed.

I sent this message to him...

'I am now the Koji that you wanted...Are you the Mark that i wanted?"

The answer was what i didn't wish to hear.

"I no longer can be the Mark you wanted.
Last time i had 'hope' in the relationship.
But now it is 'if got ,got lor...If no,nevermind also ...'
I can no longer devote my time to you.
Somethings i would give up, last time.Now i won't.
I need a girlfriend who will not give me trouble.
I don't have to sweet talk her.
And Just stay by my side."

*I am torn again...*
Why is he doing this to me?
Why in the first place he promised he would be the same?
I 'm too heart broken...

Although I knew i loved him,
But the way he told me that this relationship is nothing to him.
I couldn't take it any more.
I wanted a Love with passion...
A love with hopes....
A love with dreams...
A love with faith of going through all ups and down
And A love to last...
It takes two hands to clap.

I am so heart broken.*tears*
Why is he doing this to me?

ends at 2:31 AM

with love ♥

♥Thursday, May 19, 2005♥

*Hee...*
My mom called...

"What you doing at home?"

"Ni yao zhuo what?"

"I want zhuo bo!!!"*smile*

She laughed...

*Missing my mr Mark....*

Miss him...Miss him...Miss him...Miss him...Miss him...

ends at 2:36 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Both of my grandmothers were admitted to the hospital...
1 had been there for a week,
1 had just admitted yesterday night.
Do hope they will recover soon.
Don't really want any thing to happen to them.
I would rather be the one suffering then to see my love ones suffers.

Accidently cut my fingers when i am unwrapping my new paint.*so painful...*

Nag by Mark,
Asking me to go to work.*Sian...*
After 2 weeks of rest...

Read Jay's blog.
Then i been thinking again...
Maybe life at times isn't that fair after all...
Can't really do or get what you actually wanted..
Have to work in a job that you totally dislike yet just for the sake of earning a living.
It's after those hard ship that you would finally be able to do what you wanted.
*Haiz...*
Maybe thats why everyone of us is like wearing a mask ...

I am actually lost.
Didn't know what my future would be...
I didn't know what i wanted.
Maybe I am not determine enough.
Better do some thinking...
I ain't young any more.
Mmm.....

ends at 1:59 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

*Loveable...*

ends at 6:22 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

Mark did read my blog.*wink*
Read the part i went to sleep in an emtpy stomach...

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

"Cause you are tired..."

Then he looked at me with those eyes...*haiz...**so cute...*

Since i didn't had my dinner...(cause he eat without me)*humph*
So...He cooked maggie noodles for me...

'I ate noodles for breakfast,noodles for lunch,and noodles for dinner'*sick*
Hopefully tonight i won't have nightmare of me eating noodles ...*yucks*

ends at 5:33 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

I didn't wake up till late morning...
By then Mark already left for work.
But before he left,
He cooked a plate of noodles an left it on the table.*so sweet*...

He did came back dueing his lunch time though,
Bought another packet of noodles for me,then rush back to work.*Double sweetness*

I was re-doing my blog skin when,his mom knocks on the room door!

"Do you want to accompany me go shopping?"
"Oooh...okie"

Once i step out of the house,
I was questioned by her,asking me why i agreeded with Mark having a bike.
Then i basicly told her what Mark's told me.
That he would stop riding once he pass his driving test.
"Ooh...when?How many years later?"
*Faint**Speechless*

Went 'Makan' then proceed to the supermarket.
Asked me about us getting marry and stuffs...*blush*
Well...Beside all those 'i don't know how to answer' questions,
We clicked pretty well i guess.*hopefully*

But,she made me promise,that i won't sit on Mark's Bike again.
She is very worried for Mark's safety...So am i...
But he is too stubborn to listen...

Did the 'we have to talk' Speech.

We ended up argueing...
Then he left me in the room and
went out to take his dinner without even asking me if i was hungry.*piss*

Well...
In the end,
We did manage to talk it out.
And he promised me to sell off his bike before my birthday next year.

"I know you love riding...But i love you more...
And i can't bare to see you get hurt...'

ends at 4:22 AM

with love ♥

♥Wednesday, May 18, 2005♥

Your Birthdate: July 13

Being born on the 13th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer, but it may also give you a tendency to dominate people a bit.
You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize.
Sincere and honest, you are a serious, hard working individual.

Your feeling are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times.
You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details.
Your intolerance and insistence on complete accuracy can be irritating to some.

ends at 6:32 PM

with love ♥

♥♥

Very ...very ...Broke!!!

ends at 4:26 AM

with love ♥

♥♥

Guess what,
I am at Mark's place.
He is deep in sleep,snoring all the way.

Didn't want to wake him up from his sleep.
But i am hungry*tummy rumble*.
Think have to go to sleep with an empty stomach.*Poor me*

Suddenly...I felt he isn't caring enough.
Just now told him i hungry,he acted blurr.
Hate him!!!
Then he just fell asleep.*Angry*

Hate it when he only spare a thought for himself.
He would rather chose to act blur when he just don't feel like doing it.
Why aren't him the caring type?
Hate it ... Hate it.... Hate it....

This time i really really broke !!!
I actually intended to buy some sweets,but the cashier asked me if i am paying for the petrol together.
No choice,I paid.
And i'm broke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me and my sweet tooth.*damn it*
But look at the bright side...
He is going to be broke too.And a bike to feed,guess he needed the money more then me.
Now i hate myself....
Why am i so caring???*damn it*

'There's no aircon in his room,but my room has.
There's no fridge in his room,but my room has.
There's no nightlight in his room,but my room has.
There's no queen size bed in his room,but my room has.
But...
There's a mark in his room ,that my room don't...
What to do?
Thats why i am here now,hungry, hot, and...hopelessly in love.'

ends at 12:47 AM

with love ♥